ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.