[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

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Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon


Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.


Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.


Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.


Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious


WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well


Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.


if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to


You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.


Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”