[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
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I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
this is so top tier i cant
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”