@KalvinMacleod

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

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@thatdutchperson

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

@Kids_kubed

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

@sofarrsogud

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

@heatherlou_

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

@fro_vo

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

@FunnyBison

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

@0point5twins

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.