@Thynebear [Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
@KalvinMacleod [pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
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@Thynebear 
@AngieDavisHaha Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
@kelkulus Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
@TrueTorontoGirl Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
@ShortSleeveSuit HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
@TheBoydP I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
@Jake_Vig Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
@Contwixt Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
@spies_please We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
@Breadery Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.