Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Fred_Delicious

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

@TheAlexNevil

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

@noog

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

@WhatevaConc

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

@PaperWash

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

@_radsy

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

@ericsodapop

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

@MindyFurano

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

@bazecraze

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

@Jake_Vig

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”