Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
*clouds turn to fire*
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You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Cop: You been drinking?
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”