ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
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*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.