Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
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Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.