Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
You Might Also Like
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
(Jupiter –
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
*offers Batman cough drops*
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Still a very good boi….
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?