Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
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I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
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[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
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I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
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My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.