Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
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I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
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When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
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listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days