my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Me when my alarm goes off
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
“Sheer Arrogance”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”