Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*