Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
You Might Also Like
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Good dog. ❤️
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
describing stardew valley
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Ridiculous. He should be in jail