Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok - @weinerdog4life

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

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