Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
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Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
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