Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
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Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Note to self: I am a note
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper