Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
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When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby