I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
You Might Also Like
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Last-minute gift idea!
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
time machine? you mean a clock?
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.