ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
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It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?