coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
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Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I’m listening
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.