I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
You Might Also Like
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
i can’t wait that long
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I love twitter
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
For those that worship cheese..
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity