I love twitter
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Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.