Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
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rapatouille
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”