@Clanopath
@david8hughes [first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
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@david8hughes 
@WheelTod Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
@AnOrangeSNES If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
@clichedout *checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
@ehdannyboy Still my favourite meme.
@BrettDruck Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
@clichedout HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
@junejuly12 Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
@punmagnate Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
@trevso_electric Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.