@Clanopath

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

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@EJGomez

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

@Scimommy

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

@JKNenagh

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

@UnFitz

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

@handsforkeys

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

@mynameisntdave

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

@

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH