I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
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My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
when you order from DoorDastardly
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Respect
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Love is always patient and kind.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care