Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re![]()
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[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
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My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
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Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting![]()
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism