Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
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Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I am crying
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
hi why am I like this
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.