I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
You Might Also Like
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.