My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
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I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
This dude got his own movie?
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me