Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
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I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
#math
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs