WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
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[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”