if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
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Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Good point.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.