As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
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My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺