A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
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In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Social Media and Real life
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.