Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
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The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Not today. 😅
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
wait.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Merica.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.