Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
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EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I bet birds love this building.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.