It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator