It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay