I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
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2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
What do you hear?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally