The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
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Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount