The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
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TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
The first matador
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.