The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
![]()
You Might Also Like
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
![]()
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Netflix and awkward silence?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff