Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
