Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
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Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Spring of Deception
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
🐕🍷
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”