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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
classic mixup
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
The Sun
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.