Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
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The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Me when my alarm goes off
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
finally found a reasonable question
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.