Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
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I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.