@Jez1
@LizerReal okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
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@LizerReal 
@internetluke [showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
@carlyken “I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
@GreenishDuck This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
@goodvibeschic You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
@NotKarma Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
@bestoflod the greatest twitter interaction
@ArfMeasures [after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
@itsdhruvism This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
@TheCatWhisprer Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!