@Jez1

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

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@internetluke

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

@carlyken

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

@GreenishDuck

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

@goodvibeschic

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

@NotKarma

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

@ArfMeasures

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

@itsdhruvism

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.