What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
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I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.