okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
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[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
the greatest twitter interaction
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!