THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
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Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.