Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
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If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Natural selection at its finest
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
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What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
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sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad