Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
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Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.