5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
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4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.