“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
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I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
just make the entire table out of coaster
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Ah..makes sense now
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.