At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
You Might Also Like
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Happy thanksgiving!
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Ok, but like, how married are you?
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?