One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
You Might Also Like
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
i really liked this one
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator