“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
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Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.