There is no “ea” in Tim.
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[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.