Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

Strange

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)