“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I’M CRYINGGG
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more