“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
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yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Raisins are grape jerky.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Yeah. This was me today.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule