wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
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No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?