The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
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You look like you would fail a DNA test
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
sir, my pâté if you please
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
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obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary