The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
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They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.