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If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I’ve been learning to cook.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
horrifying if literal: the electric slide